Hey Bestie! Have you ever wondered why it is so hard to forgive yourself?
When you’re thinking about forgiving someone, who is the first person you think of?
Many of us would say someone who hurt us in our family, an ex, or even someone at our job.
What if I told you that you couldn’t truly forgive them unless you were actively displaying forgiveness towards yourself?
It’s because you can only give out of what you’ve already received.
There were many moments in my life that made me think that I deserved to be punished indefinitely. I carried the guilt, shame, and condemnation to the point of believing that I didn’t deserve to be forgiven.
Then I discovered that my thinking was rooted in a lie.
Today we are going to talk about why it is so hard to forgive yourself, common barriers of self-forgiveness, and if it is truly possible to forgive yourself.
This post is all about why it is so hard to forgive yourself.
Are you ready? Let’s geaux!
Can You Ever Truly Forgive Yourself
Forgiving yourself isn’t complicated, it’s actually quite simple. Yes, it’s possible to truly forgive yourself, but it will take some humility.
You cannot forgive yourself on your own. How can you give yourself what you didn’t create?
The truth is that you were never supposed to do anything in this life on your own. You were always supposed to remain attached to God, your Source.
Similarly to how fish must remain attached to the water and plants have to remain attached to the Earth; we have to reattach to Christ and remain in Him.
When we try to do things on our own, we often find one or two results. Either it works for a little while or we make it worse for ourselves.
Forgiving yourself is no different. God has forgiven us one hundred percent. We just need to allow Him to help us to receive it and give it to ourselves.
This is the way we can truly forgive ourselves. It’s by remaining attached to God and depending on Him to walk with us through this life.
With man, it is impossible (to forgive yourself), but with God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26 NIV).
{RELATED POST: Forgiving Yourself: 5 Steps To Forgive Yourself God’s Way}
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What Are Common Barriers Of Self-Forgiveness
1. Pride
Psalm 138:6 NLT-Though the Lord is great, he cares for the humble, but he keeps his distance from the proud.
There are several barriers when it comes to self-forgiveness. One of the main barriers is thinking that everything depends on you.
You are NOT the God of your own life. It isn’t up to you to forgive yourself based on the standards that you have for yourself, that others have for you, or even if you fall short on God’s standards.
When you think everything depends on you, you are operating in pride. Take a look at the word itself, the letter “I” is at the center.
Decenter yourself because that isn’t God’s position for you. Just as the Earth revolves around the sun, we need to remember to revolve our lives around God.
When ever you begin to think too much about yourself, you run into problems too big for you to handle.
None of us created forgiveness so none of us can administer it without receiving it from the Source.
2. Guilt And Shame
2 Corinthians 7:10 NLT-For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.
I like to think of guilt and shame as cousins with a sinister plan. Guilt has two sides to him, but shame, he wants to become you.
Let me explain. Guilt isn’t all bad. It can actually be beneficial to you.
Guilt serves as a reminder of what you’ve said and done. It leaves the door open to apologize for your wrongs, repent, and it brings you closer to God.
When guilt is left to linger for too long, it starts to affect the soul, and partner with shame who tells you that what you did is unforgivable.
Shame says that you don’t deserve to be forgiven.
3. Avoidance
Revelation 3:20 NLT-“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.
We often think that if we bury things deep enough and don’t have to see it anymore, then it won’t affect us.
We try to suppress things by covering it with our vices, but that only makes it worse. You can’t outrun the darkness within or the pain of your past because it will catch up with you.
Many of us have buried pain so deep that we’ve forgotten why we’re in pain, but we can feel it.
You need to learn how to face these things and start to declutter the garage of your heart with God.
God stands at the door and knocks because He wants to help you.
What Are Signs You Haven’t Forgiven Yourself
Before we jump into the signs, please know that forgiveness isn’t a feeling.
You may still get upset about what has happened, but that’s normal. Your feelings have to catch up with your healing.
Remember your feelings are your indicators, not your dictators.
Below are a few signs that may indicate that you haven’t forgiven yourself:
- Withholding forgiveness from someone else (Usually the root of this is that you haven’t received forgiveness for yourself).
- Ruminating on what was done.
- Feeling paralyzed by your past thinking that you’ll always make the same mistakes.
- Self-loathing
- Depriving yourself of happiness or joy (Emotional Paralysis).
- Negative self-talk and criticism.
- Self-sabotaging behaviors that keep you from moving forward.
- Feeling or thinking God will get you back for what you’ve done or that “bad” things that happen are a punishment from Him.
- You think thoughts like: “This is as good as it’s going to get for me”.
- You don’t trust God.
{RELATED POST: Faith Not Feelings: 9 Strategies To Trust God Beyond Emotions}
Once you learn to accept God’s forgiveness, it’s time to give some of that forgiveness to yourself. God gives us forgiveness so that we can forgive ourselves and eventually forgive others. Remember that we can only love our neighbors as much as we love ourselves. The same principle applies to forgiveness. When you’re ready to extend God’s forgiveness to yourself, click the image below to get your Forgiving Yourself Mini Bundle. This bundle is designed for you to start the process of forgiving yourself God’s way.
What Are The Steps To Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving yourself is a process. Let’s start there.
This isn’t a quick fix or a ten step program because healing isn’t linear. Forgiveness must be received from God by accepting what He has done through Jesus.
Remember this takes humility and it won’t be a fast process. We discussed why it’s hard to forgive yourself.
The top reasons are pride, guilt, shame, and avoidance. Now let’s break down forgiving yourself in a few basic steps to get you started on your self-forgiveness journey.
To start the process of forgiving yourself, you must go to God and start to talk to Him about what has happened.
You don’t necessarily have to talk, you can write to Him in a journal “God I’m struggling to forgive myself for…”
From there, I would encourage you to let God lead you. Forgiving yourself will look different for everyone, but it starts by acknowledging that you need help and talking to God about what has happened.
He may lead you to therapy, a group of men or women that have been on a similar journey, or He may continue to personally walk you through it as you continuously talk with Him.
For me, it was a mixture of all of these things and more.
In our Bible Study last week, we discuss many gems that will also be able to help you on your forgiveness journey. I encourage you to check it out HERE.
Forgiving Yourself is a continuous decision to receive forgiveness from God by accepting what Christ has done for you.
Jesus said “If you abide in His word, then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:31-32 NLT).
Knowing the truth about whose you are and who you are is the reason why you can actively forgive yourself and others.
Again, this process will take some time because healing isn’t linear, but it will be so worth it!
You are worth the healing that Christ wants to give you so don’t allow guilt and shame to rob you of the free gift that God wants you to have.
Remember just as the fish and the plants have to remain attached to their source; we have to remain attached to God. There isn’t anything that we have to do alone because God has vowed to be with us.
This post was all about why it is so hard to forgive yourself.
If You Enjoyed This Post, You’ll Love These:
How To Overcome Guilt And Shame
How To Have A Healthy Relationship With Yourself
Accepting God’s Forgiveness: 6 Keys For Your Personal Healing
Forgiving Yourself: 5 Steps To Forgive Yourself God’s Way
Rejection From Family: 7 Tips To Move Forward And Heal
Before You Go…Let’s Recap
A quick recap of common barriers of self-forgiveness:
- Pride
- Guilt and Shame
- Avoidance
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Always remember that you’re destined to win because He got up!
-Devyn Janae
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