Hey Bestie! Today we’re gonna talk how to stop self sabotaging relationships.
When you hear the word “relationship”, what comes to mind? Do you automatically think about your romantic relationships or the relationship with your family and friends?
During this blog, I want you to take an introspection of all of your relationships because if you are self sabotaging one, you may be self sabotaging in another.
All of your relationships are important in this life, especially the one that you have with yourself.
This post will be all about how to stop self sabotaging relationships.
Are you ready? Let’s geaux!
What Is Self Sabotaging Relationships
When you self sabotage your relationships, it is a sign that you have a soul issue. Your soul consists of your mind, will, and emotions.
Have you ever heard the saying “follow your heart”? This is just a doctored up way of saying follow your emotions.
Everything in relationships is not about how you feel, but your self sabotaging tendencies have everything to do with how you perceive.
Your view of yourself internally influences the behaviors that lead to destruction of our relationships. If we’re honest, these behaviors are not always consciously known.
Most behaviors are in fact unconscious behaviors that center around past relationships and experiences.
What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior
Truthfully there is no one size fit all reason why someone may sabotage their relationships. Every person has different triggers and viewpoints of life along with ways to deal with their past.
One of the main reasons why you may sabotage your relationships is because you value others more than you value yourself.
Sounds stage right? How can you possibly sabotage relationships that you value? Well if you value others more than you value yourself, you will always be looking for a person to fill you in ways that only God can.
The Creator is the only one who can define you because you are his creation. When God sees you, he sees his prized possession (James 1:18 NLT). He sees someone who was worth putting his image on.
People will praise you one day and put you down the next depending on how they feel. Your job, money, the clothes you wear, the car you drive, your money, and anything else you can see can’t give you value.
Everything that is visible was made by the invisible so that tells you that the visible is more real and worth more than the visible. Many have uttered the saying “its the inside that counts, but lived the opposite way.
This won’t be your story. You are worth so much more than you know simply because of who you came out of.
No One Is Coming To Save You
Bestie, the truth is that if you’re waiting on someone to come and help you then you just might be waiting forever. You have to make up your mind to partner with God by activating his word with your belief.
Start your journey of developing self worth by decluttering your garage and embracing your inner child.
What Are Some Self Sabotaging Examples
Self sabotaging in relationships isn’t always easy to recognize. You can be in a relationship for years before you ever see the behaviors manifest.
Learning to recognize self sabotage in relationships helps you to see where healing and self awareness needs to take place.
You have to be the one to initiate change for yourself. Before you look at the person you are in a relationship with, take a firm analysis of yourself.
1. Not Being Connected To Your Source
- I am vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit apart from me you can do nothing(John 15:4).
If you are not in a true relationship with Jesus then all of your other relationships will eventually fall apart. You have to be connected to the Source in order to understand the purpose of relationship.
Like the great Myles Munroe once said if the purpose of a thing isn’t known, then abuse is inevitable. How many relationships involve abuse?
I am not only speaking about physical abuse. Anything that is not being properly cared for is being abnormally used (or abused).
Does your relationships involve cursing each other out? What about talking behind each other’s back? Do your relationships include speaking death over each other?
How do you know how to have a relationship if you’re not the Creator of it?
Experience is not the best teacher, God is. In order for any of your relationships to have a solid foundation, you need to be connected to your Source.
2. Allowing Others To Define You
- Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth” (Genesis 1:26).
I touched briefly on this, but bottom line, you need to see yourself as God sees you. People are not the basis for your potential.
Their words cannot define you unless you let them. The Creator is the only one who can define his creation and he calls you worthy.
His words about you are infinite and they hold more weight than the heaviest items on earth. Why would you allow another created being limit you to their words when their emotions change quicker than a scared chameleon?
In all of your relationships, no matter if its a good or bad one their definition of you is not the pinnacle of who you are. Take a look at some of the things God calls you and begin to define yourself as such:
- More than a conqueror (Romans 8:37)
- Apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8)
- Prized possession (James 1:18)
- A god; child of the Most High (Psalm 82:6)
- God’s righteousness in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21)
- Loved (Isaiah 43:4)
- Chosen (Ephesians 1:4)
- Set Apart (Jeremiah 1:5)
Do you know the reason why God calls you all these beautiful things? It’s because these things describe him and guess what you came out of him so by default they describe you.
3. Not Getting To Know Yourself
- “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these”(Mark 12:30-31).
Some relationships you’ve had since before you were born. You didn’t get to choose the family you were born into, but this doesn’t excuse you from getting to know yourself apart from them.
What is it that you want out of this life? Who do you want to be? What dreams and aspirations do you have for yourself?
You don’t have to go along with what others want for you just because they love you.
Also there are things that you can only discover about yourself when you take the time to be alone. You have some deep rooted issues that you need to face and although its easier to avoid them, the result of running from them are detrimental.
Do yourself a favor and get to know everything about the person you are.
What are your:
- Likes/Dislikes
- Fears
- Bad habits
- Routines
- Schedules that help you to stay consistent
- Dreams that you want to happen
- Bucket list of places you want to go
- Favorites
You are worth getting to know apart from others.
4. Talking Too Much
- When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent (Proverbs 10:9).
Silent wins are wins too. Everyone doesn’t need to know what you know. Now I’m not talking about gate keeping. What I’m saying is sometimes its okay to keep things between you and God.
For example, if you are moving to a new city and you’re excited about it; you don’t have to tell everyone. In fact, you don’t need to tell anyone until after the dust settles.
What if God wants to share those beautiful moments with you before you break the news to everyone else.
Another way you can self sabotage by talking is feeling like you already know something. Even if there is information given that you already heard a thousand times, you can still benefit from it.
There is revelation in repetition so never dismiss anything even if you already heard it! There is always something new that you can learn.
Talking too much can also cause you to miss God. If you’re always the one talking, when are you ever listening?
5. Projecting Onto Others
- But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load. (Galatians 6:4-5).
The not-so-pleasant things that happened to you in your life are not your fault, but they are now your responsibility. You can spend your life blaming others for what happened, but you’ll just end up miserable.
I must admit, it’s hard to see when you’re projecting sometimes. A technique you can try is to go over what happened in the situation you faced and take full responsibility for the parts you played.
By no means am I suggesting that you should take responsibility for things that were out of your control like when you were a child.
What I’m saying is take control by being an active participant in your own healing without blaming others or placing your insecurities onto them. You can start by asking yourself: How do I really feel about myself?
Be completely honest with yourself. You are worth it!
6. Moving On Without Being Healed
- But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Being strong is a recipe of disaster. You don’t have to be strong Bestie. It’s completely okay to be vulnerable about the things that have wounded you.
If you go to the doctor with pain and don’t tell him where the pain is, how will he be able to treat you? The truth is that some things are not self treatable. It’s okay to acknowledge that you need help.
You’re afraid of looking “weak”, but that’s your true strength. Get healed before you move on.
7. Allowing Fear To Paralyze you
- For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7).
Fear can do two things. It can either fuel you or fracture you. Typically, fear fractures which leads to one being paralyzed by it. What is it that you’re afraid of within your relationships?
Is it:
- Vulnerability
- Getting hurt
- Abandonment
- Being taken advantaged of
- Rejection
- Trusting Again
- Etc.
Identify what you’re afraid of within your relationships.
8. Making An Idol Out Of Someone
- “You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth” (Exodus 20:4).
An idol is anyone you aspire to be like or anything that abnormally fuels you. In simpler terms, its anything or anyone that you put before God.
People all over the world have used the word idol loosely. The moment you make anyone or anything an idol, you are doing yourself and God a disservice.
You cannot get everything you need from something that was created. God is your Source.
How To Stop Self Sabotaging Relationships
First you should be proud of yourself for seeking how to stop self sabotaging relationships. You have the awareness that you deserve better so this is great.
To end self sabotage, you will need to face yourself. This will require you to spend time alone with God and allow him to work on your heart. You may have to let go of some of your relationships also to work on yourself.
Maybe you will have to consider therapy. Therapy isn’t limited to talking to someone on a couch. You can also get therapy by reading books that will help you along your journey.
Here Are 5 Ways To Stop Self Sabotaging Relationships
- Take some time to get to know who you are apart from others.
- Set personal boundaries and standards for your life.
- Forgive those who hurt you
- Appreciate your journey
- Practice vulnerability
Next time you hear the word “relationship”, I pray you think about all of the relationships in your life especially the one you have with yourself.
To stop self sabotage, it will take a lot of introspection on your part. You can do it Bestie because God is always with you.
This post was all about self sabotaging relationships.
Remember you’re destined to win because he got up!
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